Disappointment—How To Deal with It

Over the years dealing with my mental instabilities, I have learned to self-evaluate and diagnose before heading to/calling my therapist. Therapy is expensive! So knowing some of the issues you are facing helps reduce the hours you are to spend in the chair.

One of the things that I struggle with is dealing with disappointment.

Disappointment to me is this uncomfortable feeling of loss. It leaves a semi-painful gap between what I wanted to get and what I got. That gap between my reality and expectation, which limits my happy mood and sense of fulfillment. This tends to happen mainly if I have been working hard to achieve something and don’t get it. Or I delegated to someone some work with the hope of them seeing it through with no loopholes, only for them to come back with ‘news.’

I tend to freeze, feel a rage building up in me, and then I go numb. Tears start to form. Most times I find myself in the bathroom crying. Other times I am back in my bed to sleep and wake up again to face my reality. Other times my therapist talks me out of it.

Recently disappointment walked in a gray suit; it wanted to play, but I wasn’t going to allow it. I remembered my successful experiences with it and used them against it. These experiences included me enjoying what was happening at the moment that was not related to it because its moment had already shifted. My focus shifted to what was next. What could be done then? And I then aimed to have a more lasting effect on my overall happiness with the present mood. Focusing on how I wanted to feel in the moment, rather than how I believed I should feel. This was a game-changer.

Also, realizing that some of my expectations are influenced by my set standards that are at times very limitive and focused on me. Things like timed goals and how if their deadlines are not met, I get disappointed. What’s more, I start a blame game in my head—I didn’t give it my all, so and so delayed it, there was that part I should have done by myself—with all those negative thoughts. I end up inviting anxiety to the party.

However, being open to possibilities even if it takes practice helps but most times I run to it after flooding in tears—when disappointment is already enjoying its cup of tea at my expense. This is when I go to God in tears and ask him the whys. Meditating on His word, I find myself again and build tolerance for the overwhelming emotions and create openness for new possibilities. 

Lastly, I try sitting for 10 minutes with the intention of letting go of my expectations, buy a heavy meal, and indulge myself. While at it, I am observing how my mind reflexively searches for reasons, plans, and schemes of action. As these thoughts arise, intentionally (and gently) let go of them, and simply allow yourself to be without needing to do or get anything. After 10 minutes of letting go of expectations, you might feel refreshed and may be able to see things differently.

Patricia Kahill

Patricia Kahill is a Digital Systems Architect, faith-driven entrepreneur, and founder of the Kahill Insights Group[; a seven-company ecosystem built at the intersection of technology, human behavior, and purpose. Over two decades she has trained 10,000+ individuals across Africa, authored three books, and built a multi-platform community of 75,000+ subscribers. She currently leads the Kahill Digital Marketing School, equipping the next generation of digital professionals across Uganda and the wider region.